By Dave Barry"People always ask me: How come the newspaper prints so much bad news? How come the front page always has negative headlines like: "Freak Espresso Machine Explosion Destroys Crowded Starbucks"? Why don't we print stories with a positive slant, like: "Destroyed Starbucks Was Popular Gathering Place for Lawyers"?
Well, OK, then. You want good news? We got yer good news right here, starting with this: EXCITING ADVANCE IN LIVESTOCK FLATULENCE. As you know if you have ever stood outdoors in the Midwest, cows give off methane gas. We don't know why. Maybe they're bored. Maybe they're trying to spoil our appetite for hamburgers. All we know is, scientists believe that methane is a major factor in global warming.
For the record, I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the biggest single cause of global warming is menopause. Also, I recently received a letter from a reader who theorizes that global warming may be related to the alarming increase in pizza ovens, especially in New Jersey."
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