Liberalguy

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 mins.

Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: £3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.

Q: What’s a blonde’s favourite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What’s it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q: What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: What have women and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
A: The woman who ate the last donut.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a man?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year 10. Who has the biggest breasts?
A: The blonde, because she’s 18.

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can’t afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A: You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

Q: What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

Q: What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence?
A: Divorced.

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