A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for
their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to
Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her
microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
in a nother.
The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss
of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while
I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute
really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my
best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
with her head cocked to one side as to say, ' don't do
it dipshit.' Reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad, I decided to give myself a one second burst just
for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .
WHAT THE #@!@#!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting
slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?
#@!#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel
of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and
about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no
control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself,
but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of
smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head which I believe was from my hair. I'm still
looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being
stupid.'
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